Raising a child could be one of the most fulfilling yet difficult jobs in the world. Every stage of parenting comes with its own set of challenges. Many a time, as parents and as adults, we become self-critical while raising a child because of these challenges. Before we know it, we may question every small or big decision we make. We may feel judgmental toward ourselves. Here are 5 reasons why we, as parents, should take it easy on ourselves and silence our inner critic.
1. It is said that a child gives birth to a parent. When we give life to a child, the child gives birth to the ‘parent’ in us. So, when a child is one month old, the ‘parent’ is also a month old. As new parents, we do not have years of training/experience of being one unless we have a child. There isn’t a manual for parenting. The new role could feel overwhelming for us. As the child learns from their own experiences in a world that is new for them, so do we. Every child is unique and experiences life differently. If the parent has more children, some parts of parenting can become easier because of the parent’s experience and yet each child’s uniqueness may bring with it a set of its own challenges. It might take some additional time, learning, and patience to figure out new ways of dealing with the child. This, again, gives birth to a new ‘parent’ in us. We'll find that we will learn about how to be a parent gradually, through the experience of caring for the child. It is okay to be easy ourselves as we learn to adapt to a new role.
2. Our upbringing is an important part of the people we become. We learn many things from our parents. We may feel inspired from the learnings that our parents may have given us and pass on these learnings to the child in care. It is important to understand that we have learnt these in the capacity of a child being taken care of by a parent. The experience did not teach us anything about being a parent. There is a huge difference between learning from parents and applying these learnings whilst acting as a parent. We may benefit from the information, but, in the end, the way we learn to parent is by actually being one. Having a child offers us a wonderful opportunity to think about what made us the kind of person we are today and what kind of parent we would like to be. So, go easy on yourself as you take on this challenge of balancing what you know already and where you would like to be.
3. Taking care of a child and their many needs can be physically exhausting. The constant attendance to another person can leave us feeling fatigued. In addition to physical exhaustion, the child may trigger some childhood memories of the parent that have been long suppressed. These memories could be pleasant or unpleasant and could come at a time when we least expect it and maybe unexplained. It might come when we are not ready to handle these emotions. It may not be easy to process these deep emotions. It is okay to take it easy and follow our own pace to deal with these emotional triggers that one’s unique child brings within us.
4. The circumstances under which we were raised as a child may differ from the circumstances under which one’s child may be in. What worked for your parents may not work for you as a parent and it is okay not to know what to do. It is alright to figure things out through trial and error. As you figure things out, go easy on yourself.
5. There is an immense amount of pressure that society places on parents to always do the right thing and to know it all. This pressure may often be unrealistic and unreasonable. As parents, we may sometimes succumb to the pressure and feel overwhelmed for not knowing what to do in certain situations whilst raising the child. A lot of additional responsibilities and challenges in our day-to-day life may also make it difficult for us to always be available for the child and meet societal expectations. Learn and recognize that you are doing the best you can in your own capacity. Societal expectations may sometimes be too much, so go easy on yourself.
Bringing up a child may not seem like a child’s play. There might be times when we go wrong and learn despite being diligent. We could be more understanding of ourselves and learn from our experiences and let go of the idea to judge ourselves negatively. Let’s embrace the idea of caring for ourselves as deeply as we would care for somebody who we love.
(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)
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