“Bad mama, bad papa, I hate you…” Picture a young child saying those words fiercely to their mother or father. Or imagine a teenager telling their parents, “I wish I didn’t belong to this family” or “I hate you for this decision that you’ve taken.” While some children may say it explicitly using strong words, others may show strong oppositional behaviour in some passive way. As a parent, do these retorts sound familiar to you? How do you manage such strong negative emotions directed at you?
When your child expresses such intense negative feelings in front of you, it may trigger strong emotions in you, leading to one of two things: it may lead to self-judgements that could make you wonder, “Where have I gone wrong in raising my child?” or “Am I a bad parent?”, or it could give rise to a reaction in you, leading you to punish your child because you may think that the child is disrespecting you or misbehaving with you. But before you judge yourself or punish your child, there are a few aspects that you, as a parent, need to understand about the situation in which a child is displaying strong opposition either verbally or behaviourally.
Firstly, the oppositional behaviour is mostly NOT a case of disrespect. When your child is reacting strongly, it could mean that you have built an inherent trust of love and belonging in the child; in other words, they believe that they can authentically express strong negative emotion in front of you, and once they have processed it fully, they can always come back to you for your love, and they will receive it. They don’t have to always put on a good boy/good girl mask to receive your parental love and to belong to you.
Secondly, your child displaying strong opposition to you could mean that you are setting healthy boundaries that are absolutely essential for them. For instance, boundaries on screen time or boundaries that make your child miss out on something other kids are getting to do can trigger strong opposition from your child. However, the importance of setting healthy boundaries cannot be denied. Healthy boundaries, in the long run, are crucial for the child’s development.
Lastly, in such a situation, it is important to realise a significant distinction – that the child is not the problem; the child is having a problem. When you see the child as a problem, it is difficult for you to collaborate with the child to solve the issue at hand. However, when you understand that the child is having a problem, you and your child can become partners in solving the problem.
The fact that your child can authentically express themselves in front of you and that you are setting healthy boundaries means you are actually doing a great job as a parent.
What you need to understand as a parent about the situation in which your child is displaying a strong negative emotion:
Know that when they are authentically expressing themselves to you, it means they have an inherent trust of love and belonging with you. They don’t have to always be a ‘good boy/good girl’ to receive your love.
Realise that the behaviour could be a reaction to certain healthy boundaries you are setting for their long-term growth.
Understand that the child is not the problem; the child is having a problem.
Once you have this understanding, here are some steps that you can follow in a fluid order to manage the strong negative emotions coming from your child.
Process your own triggers. When negative emotions are thrown at you by anyone, including your child, it is difficult to handle even if you are an adult. If your child says you are a bad mama or a bad papa, and if that leads you to think you are not good enough (or gives rise to any deep-rooted negative self-judgements), you may have to process your own emotions and feelings. In such situations, first be aware of what is triggering you. Then give yourself enough self-care and self-empathy to fully process this feeling. This could be a long process, sometimes taking even years; but it could be a growth opportunity for you. Having said that, it is not necessary that you first process your trigger and then only handle your child’s strong oppositional behaviour. You can go ahead and manage the situation at hand first and process your emotional baggage over a period of time.
Let the child know how their strong oppositional behaviour makes you feel. Please remember that you are not doing this to make your child guilty; rather it is to make the child understand what they say could be hurtful to others. You can tell your child, “Hate is a very strong word and it really hurts me to hear that. What is the specific thing about this situation that’s bothering you? Shall we work this out together?”
The rest of the steps, listed below, are similar to the ones you may take when your child is navigating a crisis situation.
Acknowledge to your child that you can understand what they are going through. For instance, something like, “I can see that you are disappointed that I said no for your field trip.” Then you can go on to let them know that you are happy they expressed themselves openly to you.
Help your child label the emotion they are specifically feeling at that instant of opposition. Take the incident as an opportunity to develop their emotional vocabulary/granularity. So when they use a word such as “hate”, you can ask them, “Hate is a very strong word. I can see that you are disappointed. Is that true?” It can be much easier to handle a child who is disappointed with the situation than a child who hates their family. This crucial step is what will diffuse and de-escalate the whole situation.
Give/Share information. It is also important to have conversations with your child regarding the incident. For instance, give them information on why you set a certain boundary for them. You can tell them that you are doing so because you want the best for them. Also, make sure you are available to answer any questions that your child may have regarding the same.
Once you diffuse the situation, just be present for your child. You don’t have to solve the problem for them; just by being around and offering support as they go through the situation, you can help them process their negative emotion and eventually overcome it.
When your child shows strong negative emotions in front of you, and if you either punish them for it or withdraw your love for them, it can lead to a situation where they start suppressing those negative emotions. Suppressing emotions or not having a supportive parent to be able to process emotional outbursts may lead to mental health issues later in your child’s life.
On the other hand, when your child knows that you are around for them to communicate their negative emotions as much as you are available when communicating positive emotions, the child would feel they have a safe space to express themselves authentically. This, over a period of time, can help build their emotional resilience.
There’s no denying the fact that as parents we have to make some tough choices keeping our children in mind, which can be upsetting for them. However, in this very challenge lies an opportunity for growth – not just for your child but also for you. So instead of punishing your child or withdrawing your love for showing strong oppositional behaviour, give them a safe space to express themselves and work with them collaboratively on those emotions. And remember to take care of your own emotions during this process. This can lead to emotional growth for both you and your child.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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