(Note: This blog is meant for parents who have children above the age of 7 years)
Quite often, a child may encounter situations where they feel dominated, humiliated, left out, ignored, blamed, misunderstood, or disrespected by words or actions of others – this could be by their parents, siblings, friends, teachers or anybody else. For instance, a child may be extremely hurt when they think/feel that their parents or friends don’t understand them, or their teachers are rude /partial to them, or when their friends ditch them.
During such times when your child feels deeply hurt by others, and carries their past pain as a baggage, you, as a parent, can encourage your child to wholeheartedly and genuinely forgive others who have hurt them. Forgiving this way can help them avoid being dragged down by past situations (or what happened) and move on from the unpleasant emotions they are carrying within them. Genuine forgiveness will enable them to release their past, hurt and pain. In short, this will empower your child to be at peace and feel free to move on.
Having said that, usually a parent may ask their child to forgive, assuming and expecting that by forgiving someone, their child forgets what happened in the past and lets go of their hurt and the pain. However, it’s important to understand that while ingenuine/perceived forgiveness may provide temporary relief, it doesn’t alleviate the problem. The child may still be in pain and feel the hurt. In fact, a hurtful incident from the past can constantly play in the child’s mind, and they may end up blaming the other person for their pain.
Additionally, forgiving does not necessarily lead to forgetting about the hurtful incident. When genuine/wholehearted forgiveness doesn’t happen, the underlying pain remains, and is actually prolonged. When the child forgives with this perception about forgiveness, without letting go off the past and their painful emotions fully, they later discover that the judgment, pain, blame and resentment still persist. This perceived forgiveness may provide short-term relief, but it is not lasting.
Let me share the case of my client, Aastha (name changed, aged 26 years, permission taken).
In her therapy session with me, she mentioned, “Growing up, I often heard my parents saying, ‘It is always good to forgive others, this helps to forget what happened,’ and I believed that. So I would willingly and happily tell myself, ‘I forgive others for causing the hurt’, assuming that doing so would help me forget whatever happened and feel better. When I was a child, I felt hurt very often. My mother used to pay attention only to my younger brother. Comments made by my teachers and friends would affect me, and I felt so rejected. And I used to keep letting go and forgiving, assuming that by forgiving I would feel better. However, I can feel there is still so much hurt and anger within me. Forgiveness has not helped me. Now, I really don’t want to forgive anyone because I am really angry.”
Aastha really needed an outlet in the form of therapy sessions with me for her old, pent-up, unprocessed anger. Her ‘ingenuine forgiveness’ had led to suppression of her anger.
Before we ask or teach our child to forgive, first let’s understand the meaning of forgiveness.
At its essence, forgiveness is:
A process to let go of the past, including the feelings about the incident. It means to accept fully what happened and not be dragged down by past memories and emotions.
Forgiveness is for your own benefit and not for the other person’s or anyone else’s benefit.
Forgiveness is a choice that only the person who has been hurt can exercise and they alone must choose the timing. It is essential that this choice is respected.
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not forgetting the painful incident.
Forgiveness is not excusing the behaviour that caused the pain.
Forgiveness is not about denying or minimizing your hurt.
Forgiveness is not about the forgiver condoning the incident.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the person who caused the pain.
It is crucial to have clear discernment about wholehearted forgiveness and what it isn't. At the same time, it is also important to note that, when we genuinely forgive others, it may or may not lead to forgetting the painful incident, excusing the behaviour that caused the pain or reconciling with the person who caused the pain
Forgiveness is not to be viewed as obligatory. Rather, it is a choice.
Having seen what forgiveness is and what it is not, here are some things to keep in mind while encouraging your child to forgive someone:
1. Don’t rush to ask your child to forgive. Let your child take enough time to process their pain and what happened.
There could be times when we may ask our child to forgive when they are not ready. As a parent, before telling your child to forgive, it is important that you understand how the incident made them feel. Children need to feel their hurt and anger, and process them. And this could take time. They need to forgive only when they are willing and ready.
For instance twelve-year-old Ali is Tia’s best friend since five years. They meet, talk and share many things about themselves with each other. Suddenly, Ali stops meeting and talking to Tia, without giving her any explanation. This makes Tia feel very hurt and angry.
In case Tia shares her situation or emotion with her parent(s), it is crucial that her parents acknowledge Tia’s feelings and give enough time and space to her to accept and process her feelings.
If instead, Tia’s parents rush her to forgive Ali (without allowing her time to deal with her emotions) just to please, then it could lead to more hurt for Tia. In such a scenario, forgiveness becomes meaningless.
Further, forgiving Ali is a choice that only Tia can make, even if Ali asks for Tia’s forgiveness multiple times.
Expecting your child to forgive before letting them acknowledge or process their emotions, and before they are fully willing, could only make your child feel more angry or hurt.
2. Remember that by forgiving, a child may or may not approve the act that caused the hurt.
Parents often assume that by forgiving another person, a child is approving what the other person did to them. However, this may not always be the case.
Like I had pointed out earlier, the true meaning of forgiveness is to let go of the past and our hurts and not necessarily approve the behaviour that caused the hurt. Forgiving is for the child’s own benefit and not for the benefit of the person who hurt them.
Let’s take the example where Tia is hurt by Ali’s behaviour. Let’s say Tia chooses to forgive Ali for breaking off without explanation. By forgiveness, Tia is telling herself, “Yes, I accept that something has happened that caused me hurt and that I don’t have to approve of what happened.”
Tia always has a choice whether to approve or to disapprove of Ali’s behaviour. When Tia becomes aware of this choice, it can release the pressure on her and can help her be at peace. Eventually by forgiving, Tia may build the capacity to listen to and understand Ali.
3. Understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting.
Sometimes as parents, we may misperceive forgiving as forgetting. However, they are both different things. It’s quite possible that when forgiving the person who hurt them, your child may not forget the incident that made them angry or hurt them. And that’s fine.
So tell your child that to forgive is to realise wholeheartedly and say to the other person, ”I did not like or appreciate your words or actions, I can’t forget what happened. However, I am willing to let go of my hurt and the anger I am feeling towards you. It does not help me to hold onto these feelings.” And that it is perfectly fine to say so.
For instance, Tia could forgive Ali, yet perhaps never forget that Ali made her feel rejected/left alone/disrespected/ignored.
So, it is crucial for you as the parent to have (and to teach your child to have) discernment between:
Forgiveness and approving the action that caused the hurt (It is ok to forgive and not approve)
Forgiving and forgetting (It is ok to forgive and not forget)
Having this discernment will help your child to set boundaries. For instance, if Tia forgives Ali with discernment i.e., by not approving Ali’s behaviour and not forgetting the incident, she can set a boundary with Ali, by not meeting or talking to him at all.
4. Don’t use forgiveness as a means to fix the situation. It may not work always.
It is important that you ensure your child doesn’t forgive half-heartedly, as a shortcut to fix their unpleasant emotions and situations; thinking that they would feel better, (like in the case of Aastha), which is clearly an unhealthy choice.
For instance, if Tia forgives Ali simply to move on in the relationship and starts meeting Ali again, she may feel better initially. However, since Tia has not forgiven wholeheartedly, her underlying hurt remains. Tia could discover this suppressed pain anytime later.
Hence, this perceived forgiveness, without fully letting go of the past and hurtful emotions, could eventually cause more hurt. Forgiving this way may only provide short-term relief.
An act of ingenuine forgiveness neither supports emotional well-being, nor does it fix the situation.
5. Encourage your child to forgive themselves.
Encourage your child to forgive themselves for their own mistakes. For instance, a child could speak rudely or behave in a manner that hurts others. When they become aware of their intentional or unintentional mistakes, they can then choose to forgive themselves.
By forgiving their own selves they can see themselves as humans who may make mistakes. By forgiving themselves, they would no longer carry the baggage of self-blame, self-judgements and guilt. They also become aware of the fact that they were simply doing the best they could, with the knowledge and understanding that they had at the time they made the mistake.
I have learnt to do this by using a mirror. I look into the mirror and tell myself, “I know you have made a mistake and I forgive you.” This helps me feel lighter and drop the weight of guilt. Whenever I have forgiven myself, I have realised that it automatically creates space and capacity in my heart to understand and forgive others.
Teaching your child self-forgiveness helps in creating love and compassion within them, which in turn enables them to forgive others.
4. Model wholehearted forgiveness.
When your child sees you modelling wholehearted forgiveness, which means fully accepting and letting go of the past incident without holding on to any pain or resentment, they too experience and imbibe the true meaning of forgiveness.
For example, my children have seen me hurt by my mother’s actions and words very often. And they have seen my journey of processing my hurts and pain through a lot of therapy work. They have witnessed my anger and my crying. And they have also seen that I made a choice to forgive my mother only when I was ready. I have shared my stories of pain and forgiveness with them. This has helped them understand forgiveness in the real sense.
There could be times when a child may not share their hurtful incidents with their parents. However, just having the wisdom of wholehearted forgiveness can empower the child to make a choice to forgive.
To conclude, don’t rush your child to forgive someone or make your child forgive as a quick fix. It may not necessarily change the situation or make them feel better. Instead, encourage them to forgive only when they are fully ready and willing.
Forgiveness is to lessen the pain of the one who has been hurt. It may or may not justify the action of the person who inflicted the pain.
Instead of telling your child, “It is good to forgive”, tell them, “Forgive only when you are fully ready and willing, and you mean it. Forgiveness is a choice that you can make when you are fully ready.”
To forgive is to mend our hearts. When your child learns to use forgiveness meaningfully, it generates a lot of compassion in them, helps them overcome their pain and gives them the capacity to understand others’ pain.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geeta B Bhansali
Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.
Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.
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