Image by Kanmani Murali (11 years)
Just like it is important to encourage your child to forgive wholeheartedly, it is equally important to tell your child to make a meaningful and heartfelt apology. In fact, the earlier we start telling children about meaningful apology, the better.
Children may often find themselves in situations where they have hurt or wronged someone, either on purpose or unintentionally (i.e., when they do something by mistake or without realising they have done something wrong).
For instance, your child may hurt others through their actions or words; they may hit, push, shout, nag, snatch, speak lies or say hurtful words etc.
During such times, as a parent, you may be tempted to ask your child to apologise instantly. However, not all apologies may be meaningful and heartfelt.
When you ask your child to say, “Sorry”, does your child really understand what that means? Are they just repeating what you are telling them to say, without understanding the real meaning of apology?
Let’s consider an example: Peter is playing on the slide in a park. Another child, Sid, joins Peter as he also wants to play on the slide. However, Peter wants to play on the slide all by himself and hence, pushes Sid to get him out of his way. Sid gets upset and starts crying. Peter’s father comes over immediately, and with a stern look, tells his son to say sorry to Sid.
Peter is still confused and wonders, “How can getting someone out of my area of play be my mistake? And, why do I have to say sorry for no fault of mine?” Peter, therefore, is clearly not ready to say sorry.
Now, what can Peter’s father do in this case?
Instead of pushing his child to simply utter an insincere sorry, a more healthy approach that he could take is to make Peter aware of what he has done (more so when a child is unapologetic) and enable his child to make a meaningful, heartfelt apology that could also include making amends.
In order to guide your child to make a meaningful apology, let’s first clearly understand what a meaningful apology is.
A meaningful apology communicates the 3 Rs: Regret, Responsibility and Remedy.
A meaningful apology says: ‘What I did was wrong; I am feeling bad that I hurt you; what can I do to make it better?’
Let’s look at the 3Rs of apology in detail.
REGRET
Regret is a crucial part of an apology. It comes from the realisation that we have caused some hurt or inconvenience to another person even if it was unintentional.
When we apologise sincerely to the person we have hurt, it shows that we care about that person’s feelings. Regretting is feeling sad and disappointed because we did something unpleasant. It’s about empathising with the person we have hurt.
As a parent, it is important for you to bear in mind that your child may take time (sometimes even days, which is totally fine) to get this realisation and feel regret.
Let’s go back to the example of Peter. If Peter says a sorry without feeling regret or empathy towards Sid, just to please his father, saying such a sorry would do no good. Instead, Peter’s father can be Peter’s voice and acknowledge the inconvenience caused to Sid. He could tell Sid, ”I see that you also wanted to play on the slide, and I am sorry that Peter pushed you.” Next, Peter’s father can take his son aside, bend down to his eye level and tell him, “Peter, I know you were having fun playing on the slide. However, pushing someone to get them out of the way is clearly not ok.” After this, he can give Peter some time to process the whole situation, and feel regret and empathy.
RESPONSIBILITY
Apologising shows that we are capable of taking responsibility for what we did and for the consequences of our actions. It is possible that your child may take time to feel responsible for their behaviour and it is important that you give your child enough time. Giving them time could enable them to feel responsible for their actions/mistakes, when they regret what they have done. Further, as a parent, it is good to put in effort to help your child feel responsible for their actions.
For instance, Peter’s father could calmly and gently tell him, “You pushed Sid, and he got upset and hence he was crying.” When his father points that out to Peter, he helps his son realise that his action of pushing hurt Sid, thus enabling his child to take responsibility for his action.
REMEDY
Remedy is like apology in action. It is to make amends, which is more than simply saying a sorry. It means doing something within our capacity to repair our mistakes and the damage our action may have caused.
In Peter’s case, his father could encourage Peter to make amends by telling him, “Peter, though playing on the slide is fun for you, pushing others and hurting them is not ok. Would you like to repair your mistake? What can you do to repair your mistake?” He can then give Peter some time to come up with ideas. Peter might suggest amends like playing with Sid, saying sorry to him, making him laugh, sharing his football with him or hugging him. Peter’s father could also offer similar suggestions to his son.
It is always helpful to encourage your child to commit to making amends alongside their apologies.
Things to keep in mind while encouraging your child to make an apology.
An apology is not just about being polite. It is a way of showing respect and empathy towards the wronged person. However, it becomes unhealthy when it is forced and not heartfelt, or done to please another person or to make you look good. In such cases, the words ‘I am sorry’ become meaningless.
Here are some pointers to bear in mind when asking your child to apologise:
1. Be patient and don’t push your child to make an apology.
Don’t force your child to say sorry when
· they are still angry, embarrassed or disappointed and not ready to apologise.
· they don’t think that their action was inappropriate, insensitive or wrong.
· they are simply expected to apologise due to parental pressure or because apologising is seen as a general social norm or a typical cultural practice.
Apologies need to be voluntary and not imposed. There must be genuine inclination to make amends. There could be times when you may tell your child to apologise when they are not ready. They might be overwhelmed and may be trying to assimilate what has happened, when suddenly they may feel pressurised to express an apology. A child is very likely to take time to feel and process the situation as well as their anger, regret and disappointment. It is important that they express an honest apology only when they are willing and ready.
For example, in case Peter forcibly expresses an apology to Sid without being ready or willing, then Peter could feel more angry. In contrast, if Peter willing offers an apology to Sid, they may actually happily play together on the slide.
In situations where a child doesn’t realise that their action was inappropriate, insensitive or wrong, the parent could approach the child gently and make them realise their mistake. For instance, when my son was young, I would help him realise a mistake that he had done, through story telling or just talking to him calmly when he would be relaxed and receptive.
I remember this incident when my son was six. He had hidden my mobile because he was very angry with me.
Many a time, when he would get angry or upset with me, he would hide my important things like my wallet or phone, in a place where I just wouldn’t be able to find them. This used to be his typical practice of venting his feelings (particularly anger) when he was unable to understand or process them.
So once when he hid my phone, I kept telling him, ”I am upset and angry with you for hiding my mobile,” to indicate to him that I was really upset and to make him understand that his actions were causing me discomfort and anger.
When he returned my mobile phone after two hours, I was clearly irritated and upset.
However, even though I had an instant urge to ask him to apologise, which I thought would resolve everything, I stayed calm by taking a few deep breaths. Instead of pressurising him to say sorry, I kept my patience.
Later at night, before sleeping, he came quietly and lying next to me, said, “Mom, I was really mad at you the whole day for not playing with me. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have hidden your phone. I shall not do this next time. Sorry for all the trouble.”
So I understood that each time I kept my patience and did not force him to say sorry, he began realising his mistakes and eventually, the frequency of these actions (hiding my things) reduced as well!
2. Replace an insincere apology with a genuine apology.
Although an insincere apology may temporarily resolve a situation and make your child and the affected person feel better, the child could grow up to be someone who doesn’t regret their actions/words. So it’s very important to replace an insincere apology with a genuine apology.
“I’m sorry.” We may rely hugely on these words to resolve a situation and help us and our child feel better, but this may not be always true.
When a child is pushed to always say ‘sorry,’ they may receive the message that apologising fixes everything.
For instance in the previous example, Peter could simply say a sorry, to either please his father, himself or Sid, without realising his mistake. In such a scenario, Peter may assume that by saying sorry, his behaviour has been excused and it is ok to push, so long as he says a sorry. And he might even repeat this mistake and may grow up to be an individual who doesn’t regret a wrong action of his and doesn’t own up to his actions or words.
To reiterate, it’s very important to replace an insincere apology with a genuine apology.
3. Model giving meaningful apologies that includes making amends
Children need to hear us say sorry to others, and also to them. They need to know that none of us are perfect.
When your child hears you genuinely say, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake,” they grant themselves permission to make mistakes too.
By apologising to your child, you let them know that their feelings matter. When your child learns apology through modelling, they learn to respect the feelings and needs of others and develop a sense of compassion and empathy for others.
There are many times when I have apologised to my children and made amends, too; for instance, when I have raised my voice at them or have not kept my promises. I have cried with them while feeling sorry and apologising for my big and small mistakes, and then hugged them with joy. They have seen me write apology letters and messages not only to them but to others as well.
When you encourage your child to offer a heartfelt, meaningful apology you teach them:
to pay attention to their behaviour
to be responsible for their actions
to become aware of the effect their behaviour has on others
to have empathy for others and
to make amends for their mistakes.
When your child learns to freely offer their meaningful apology when they make mistakes, they tend to be less defensive and also less critical of their own selves. They learn that there is no loss of dignity in apologising and that others actually tend to respect them more for doing so.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geeta B Bhansali
Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.
Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.
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