Have you ever thought of emotions as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative? Actually none of our emotions are right or wrong (or for that matter, good or bad, or positive or negative!).
Emotions are either pleasant (like love, joy, peace, gratitude, contentment and a sense of security) or unpleasant (like fear, anger, sadness, and guilt).
Emotions are a way of communicating some need that has been met or has not been met.
We feel pleasant emotions like happiness when our needs are met. We feel unpleasant emotions like sadness when our needs are not met.
Children, too, go through a gamut of emotions. When our child expresses emotions like anger, fear, or sadness, and if we perceive these emotions to be bad, negative or wrong, we tend to become judgmental about our child, their emotions and our own self. When we do so, we can end up losing patience, getting frustrated, yelling, and doing things that may not work for both our child and us.
On the contrary, when we perceive emotions as pleasant or unpleasant and build the capacity to look at our child’s emotions as a way to tell us about a need that’s been met or unmet, we also build the capacity to connect with our child at a deeper level.
Let’s look at one unpleasant emotion, anger, and understand what happens when a parent thinks it is not ok to get angry.
Four-year-old Ansh is playing with his favourite toy car. Suddenly his friend comes and snatches Ansh’s toy car. Ansh gets angry and starts yelling and throwing things around. His father, seeing Ansh yelling, gets overwhelmed with his son’s anger. He judges Ansh’s behaviour as bad and wrong and his instant reaction to Ansh’s crying and shouting is, “Ansh, behave yourself! Grow up! Stop it! What kind of behaviour is this? Stop crying and stop screaming immediately!” Ansh, on seeing his father’s reaction, feels let down and stops crying, assuming it is bad to get angry and cry.
As we can see, being judgemental about our child’s emotions can trigger us, make us feel reactive and create distance between our child and us, and there is less chance that we are going to understand what’s going on with our child. By labelling our child’s feelings as bad or wrong or negative, we end up reducing our parental capacity, in a way that we lose connection with our child.
Further, young children at times may not understand what they feel, why they feel so and how to respond to their own feelings. So, when a child is experiencing an unpleasant emotion, they are already going through a difficult time. If in addition, they get the impression that it is wrong to feel upset or angry, it makes things tougher for them.
When you judge your child’s unpleasant emotions as bad, you become a deterrent to your child’s full expression of their emotions. Your child may not acknowledge their own emotions. They are likely to start believing that feeling angry or sad or fearful or any other similar emotion is not good, and they too judge their own emotions. Hence, there is a possibility that they learn to hide or suppress their emotions. The energy of any such unexpressed unpleasant emotion stays in the body. This could form the base for their triggers and could possibly resurface as a compounded emotional toxicity later on.
Therefore as parents, it is important for us to look at unpleasant emotions of our child as simply feelings, without judging the emotions. We can make a conscious choice to understand unpleasant emotions as a means of communication for some underlying needs that have not been met.
The key for us is to open up and respond in a way that is helpful and builds connection with our child.
What can you possibly do as a parent when your child goes through unpleasant emotions?
You can build the capacity to decode your child’s unpleasant emotions in a five step process:
1. Breathe. You can take a few deep breaths when you see your child going through their unpleasant emotions. This will help you to calm down and also open you up for deep listening.
2. Remember that your child’s anger or any other unpleasant emotion is a communication about their unmet needs.
So, you can ask yourself these questions:
a) What is the cause or intention behind their emotions?
b) Is there a physical or emotional unmet need? For example, is my child tired, sleepy or hungry? Does my child need attention, care, acceptance?
In the case of Ansh, his father, before reacting to Ansh’s anger, could have paused and asked himself, “What is the unmet need because of which my son is angry?”
When Ansh’s toy was snatched by his friend, he felt angry because his needs of ownership and fun were not met. It could also be that he was afraid of losing his favourite toy, which means Ansh’s need of safety was not met.
3. Build connection by acknowledging your child’s emotions. Tell your child that it is ok to feel what they are feeling. For instance, Ansh’s father could tell him, “I can sense that you are feeling angry. Do you wish to tell me more? I know you feel like throwing things around… can I give you a pillow to punch? Ansh, it is ok to get angry, however it is not ok to throw things around.” By giving this clear message, Ansh’s father is acknowledging his child’s emotion and also disassociating his child’s emotion from his behaviour.
4. Give space and time to your child. Be patient while they fully express themselves and give enough space and time to your child when they go through their meltdowns or unpleasant emotions. Sometimes children may have pent-up emotional pain from their past, which they may not be aware of and may feel the need to express.
For example, in Ansh’s case, his father could let Ansh be. It is possible that Ansh was processing and expressing some withheld emotions from the past as well. His father could leave him alone for some time, while being in close proximity to Ansh.
5. Give your child the gift of touch and trust. Ask them if they need to be hugged or touched. Physical touch can help in calming their nerves and also help in easy flow of emotions. Ansh’s father could perhaps ask him, “Ansh, can I sit next to you while you express your feelings? You can trust me to share your feelings. May I hug you?”
Make your child feel that they can trust you for sharing their emotions. This is a valuable gift you can give your child. You can assure your child that you are right there for them whenever they need you.
When you follow this five-step process to deal with your child’s unpleasant emotions, the response may change radically, and result in your child processing their emotions fully and expressing them.
Let’s take an example of another unpleasant emotion, sadness, and where a parent responds from a space of it is ok to feel sad and cry.
Eight-year-old Pari comes home crying bitterly. On seeing Pari cry, her mother first settles down by taking a few deep breaths and asks Pari, “I see that you are upset about something. Would you like to tell me more? I am right here for you.” On hearing this, Pari says, “Yes, I am upset because I had a fight with my friend.” Pari’s mother realises that Pari is crying because her need for friendship is unmet and she tells Pari, “It is ok to feel upset and cry.” She gently holds Pari’s hand. Once Pari has expressed her sadness through crying, she hugs her mom.
When you respond in a manner like this, your child learns that getting angry or feeling bad, sad or scared is okay and normal. They may no longer label themselves as bad or wrong and their emotions as bad or wrong. They may no longer be judgemental about their own emotions and wouldn’t feel the need to suppress or hide their emotions. This can make them calm.
A child wants their emotions to be heard, seen and acknowledged. And when they receive complete acceptance of their emotions, it helps them build respect and trust for their self and their feelings. The child then feels safe and connected.
To reiterate, emotions can be pleasant or unpleasant, but never good or bad.
When we make more room with our acceptance for what our child feels, we not only respond in a way that builds connection but we also build capacity to understand our child’s inner world.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geeta B Bhansali
Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.
Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.
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