We have explored the concept and importance of connection in detail in our earlier blogs. Now, we will discuss another very important foundational concept in parenting – boundaries. Boundaries are closely linked to connection. Parents who come from a place of connection and compassion are also the ones who have healthy boundaries.
Let’s begin by understanding what boundaries are.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits that we, as parents, set for our children, on what they can do and what they cannot do, and what is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour. When we speak of boundaries, we are largely focusing on healthy boundaries. What are healthy boundaries? They are boundaries that take the needs of both the parent and the child into consideration and are set collaboratively most of the times.
Why is setting boundaries important?
There are several reasons why setting boundaries is important:
1. When you set healthy boundaries consistently as a parent, it disciplines your child, and over a period of time, it can help your child in developing self-discipline.
2. Healthy boundaries prepare a child for life and are essential for their personal growth. They not just help a child survive but also thrive when they become adults. When a child follows boundaries, they become equipped to follow processes/adhere to rules that they may have to, to function well in the society as adults. Further, by following boundaries, a child learns how to act or do a job with integrity, meet deadlines, value personal hygiene and so on – things that a grown-up has to keep up consistently in their life.
For instance, a child who understands that it is important to brush and bathe every day and keep their place tidy, thanks to a healthy boundary set by their parents, is more likely to grow up to be an adult who values cleanliness. Similarly, a child who is consistent with their homework and assignment submissions is likely to follow rules, pay taxes on time etc., when they become an adult.
3. As a parent, absence of healthy boundaries may make you grow frustrated, irritated and resentful over time, when dealing with your child. On the other hand, setting healthy boundaries can go a long way in ensuring that you remain a strongly connected and compassionate parent for your child.
4. Although setting boundaries could prove to be difficult initially, it can make your life as a parent a lot easier over time, once your child starts respecting boundaries regularly.
Understanding what boundaries are and what they aren’t
At Growing Together, we believe that healthy boundaries are the limits that we as parents can set:
to help our child in the long run (even though they may dislike boundaries initially)
to help our child develop self-discipline
to help our child control their disruptive or defiant behaviour
to help our child consider the well-being of others, rather than thinking just about themselves and having the “me, me, me” attitude
On the other hand, boundaries are not about:
showing the child who’s the boss or engaging in a power struggle to see who is right
saying ‘No’ to the child all the time
being so authoritative that whatever the child does, they do out of fear
punishing or hurting the child
The mindset to define healthy boundaries
In order to set healthy boundaries for your child, what is the mindset you can have if you come from a place of connection? Let’s take a look.
1. First and foremost, being a connected parent and staying respectful of your child when setting boundaries is important.
2. It is vital to understand that you are setting boundaries to help your child in the long run and not because you want them to behave in a way you want them to. It is very important for you to evaluate every boundary you are setting to see if it’s helping your child or hurting your child. Doing this will help you decide what are the right boundaries for your child.
3. As a parent, it is good to come from a place of humility and understand that the child is the one who can implement the boundary, eventually. Or in other words, the complete control of following the boundary lies in the child’s hands. It’s the child who would finally decide if they want to change a certain behaviour of theirs or not. So, when you have this understanding, you won’t see the boundary as “My child has to do this because I said so” or as a way of controlling the child by invoking fear in them. Instead, you will have the mindset that boundary setting is a process through which you can positively influence your child to help them thrive in their environment.
4. In order to discipline your child, it is important that as the parent, you have a disciplined approach to boundary setting. Therefore, when you are addressing your child’s disruptive behaviour through boundaries, the limits you set should not be a bunch of ad hoc responses as and when such incidents occur. Rather, disciplining through boundary setting should be a consistent practice, and an intentional response to instances of emotionally agitated behaviour from the child.
5. Last but not the least, be empathetic to your child’s reactions to the boundaries you set for them. Remember, children may even dislike you for what you are telling them to do/not do via boundaries. But by being empathetic and present for them, you can help them process their emotions around boundaries better and let them know you are on their side.
Why can boundary-setting be hard for parents?
Boundary setting can be difficult for parents for two reasons:
1. Most parents of today grew up in an environment where boundary-setting came only as a form of authority. Childhood for many of us was characterized by our parents telling us that we have to unquestionably listen to them because they were parents and we were children. Since most parents almost always came from an authoritative space, some of the boundaries that they set for us may have hurt us very deeply. A deep hurt caused this way during a parent’s childhood is likely to trigger guilt in them now, even as they consciously try to set healthy boundaries for their own child.
2. The other reason why boundary-setting could be hard for a parent is that they need to find a healthy middle-ground between being an extremely authoritative and overly permissive parent. If a parent comes from a place of high authority, the child will respect boundaries only out of fear and may rebel later on, or sometimes even do things behind the parent’s back, which is not at all a healthy sign. If a parent is too lenient, the child is likely to take advantage of the parent’s permissive nature and it can become totally difficult to manage the child’s behaviour after a point. Therefore, finding a healthy middle-ground coming from a place of connection could be a challenge for a parent.
Despite these challenges though, boundary setting is an absolutely essential parenting tool, and there are some steps that parents can take to set healthy boundaries. We will delve into these in detail in the next blog.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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