Setting Boundaries With Kids (Part 2): Steps to Set Healthy Boundaries

Image by Kanmani Murali (11 years)

In our previous blog on boundaries, we looked at what boundaries are, why it is important to set healthy boundaries, the mindset that parents can have to set healthy boundaries and why boundary setting may be difficult for parents. In this blog, we will explore some steps/tips that can help parents set healthy boundaries.

Be intentional about setting boundaries

When dealing with children, during several instances, parents tend to set boundaries on the go, i.e., as and when a child’s disruptive behaviour occurs. For example, when a teenager returns late from his friend’s house, his mother may ask, “Why are you coming back so late? Don’t do it,” or when an eight-year-old jumps and runs about the house endlessly, her father may say, “Don’t run here, don’t jump there,” and so on.

As we can see, the parents in these instances are setting boundaries on the fly, and this is a reactive approach to boundary setting. However, a parent can choose to be intentional in setting boundaries and adopt a proactive approach to doing it. Let’s understand what this means through some examples.

Sudha is a mother to a two-year-old daughter. Even though their house has been made child-proof, she feels it is good for her daughter to know the safe zones and danger zones in the house. So, as a proactive parent, with a clear intention to prevent the child from doing something risky, like touching electrical sockets and switches, for instance, she lifts her child, takes her around the house, and shows through gestures what is safe and what is unsafe in the house. She does this regularly. By doing so, she is actually helping the child eventually understand that she has a boundary set by her mother to not approach or touch danger zones and hence has to keep away from them.

Another intentional and proactive approach to boundary setting is having collaborative conversations with your child. For example, Mohit, father to a twelve-year-old, sits down with his son at the beginning of a new academic term for a conversation. He tells his son to complete his everyday homework on time and revise lessons as and when they are done to enable him to fare well in his tests and exams. He also asks his son if he has any difficulties or concerns about the boundary that he wants to discuss. By being intentional about boundary setting and having a proactive conversation with his son, Mohit avoids a reactive approach such as lecturing/shouting at his child for bad grades at the end of the term.

While it is understandable that certain situations may warrant setting a boundary on the go (like when a child unexpectedly leaves your hand and runs across the street), it is always a great practice to be intentional most of the time when it comes to setting boundaries. And setting up family rules and family routines collaboratively, and defining family values are wonderful proactive practices that help immensely in intentional boundary setting by a parent.

State your expectations very clearly to your child

Be very specific about what you expect your child to do when you set a boundary. For example, Vinita is the mother of a five-year-old boy. Her son likes to see/play with an iPad. Let’s say Vinita has an expectation that only after her son finishes his homework will he get his iPad time. So she can tell him that only after he finishes his homework will his iPad time begin. Not any time before that. Vinita can also ensure that her son has understood her expectations clearly by asking him questions.

Clearly explain the consequences of not meeting a boundary to your child

It is vital for you to communicate to your child, the consequence of not meeting a boundary. Going back to the example of Vinita, who is clear that she wants her son to finish his homework before he gets his iPad time, she can tell him, “Ruhan, I know you enjoy your iPad time, but your iPad time comes only after your homework time, and if your homework is not done, the consequence is that you will miss your iPad time.”

Here is another example. Shreya has a fifteen-year-old daughter. Shreya has clearly stated her expectation to her teenage daughter that she should be back home by 10 pm whenever she goes out with her friends. So Shreya can clearly tell her daughter, “The consequence if you break the deadline of 10 pm any time is that your cut-off time will come down to 9:30 pm; which means that you will lose out on 30 minutes of your time with your friends.”

Please note that consequence is not the same as punishment and consequences, wherever possible, can be set collaboratively with the child. As a parent, please understand the acceptable alternatives from your child when defining a consequence. Doing so increases the likelihood of the child following through on the boundary because they clearly understand the consequences of not sticking to the boundary. Further, when they violate boundaries sometimes, they are more likely to accept the consequences.

For instance, Shreya’s daughter may be ok (an acceptable consequence) with the fact that her deadline by which she should be back home may be cut down if she violates the boundary set by her mother. However, it may be unacceptable for her if her mother says that she cannot go out with her friends the following weekend for violating the boundary. Therefore, if a parent collaborates with their child, they can make a more informed decision about the consequence, as the parent will have a better understanding of what is acceptable and unacceptable for their child.

It is also important for children to clearly understand that they are in control of avoiding the consequence – that it lies in their hands, whether they want to meet the boundary or not, and face the consequence.

Further, as a parent, you should ensure that the consequence is closely tied to the activity as much as possible so that your child is able to relate to it. For example, let’s consider two siblings – assume that the sister (the older one) is hitting her little brother. The father of the children can state clearly to his daughter that she should stop hitting her brother immediately and if she continues to hit, he would have to move her away from her brother; therefore, the girl will not be able to play with him. This act of tying the consequence to the activity would work here because even though the older child hit her brother (a moment from which she is likely to move on after her anger subsides), she would not want to miss out on her playtime with her sibling.

Follow through on the consequence if your child violates the boundary

This is a very critical step and a point where most parents struggle. Following through on the consequence is very tough because invariably the child may start acting up, particularly if they put up resistance in front of others or in a public place. A child may throw tantrums in a mall or they could be creating a scene in a public park. They may even do so at home, in front of guests, rolling on the floor and crying. But despite all this, as a parent, it is important for you to stay by their side and ensure that you follow through the consequence. Children have to understand that when their parents set boundaries they absolutely mean it. So do what you said you would if the set boundary is not met.

Let’s go back to the example of Vinita and her son who likes to spend time with an iPad. Even though Vinita had stated clearly to her son that he cannot have his iPad time unless he finishes his homework, let’s assume that her son doesn’t want to do his homework but still wants his iPad time. Vinita, as a follow-through on the consequence can tell clearly, “No iPad time till you finish your homework.” Her son may call her a bad mama and cry, but Vinita can stay beside her son, stay calm and follow through on the consequence she had stated when setting the boundary.

Take the case of Shreya and her fifteen-year-old daughter who is supposed to be back home by 10 pm after going out with her friends. Let’s say the daughter comes back at 10:15 pm instead, once. Now, if Shreya thinks, “Oh, it’s just 15 minutes over my stated deadline,” and decides to let go of her daughter without following through on the consequence of violating the boundary, then she may be sending the message to her child that as a parent, she doesn’t truly mean what she says. It may so happen that her daughter starts violating the boundary more often and it can start worrying Shreya. Instead, if Shreya follows through on the consequence firmly, even though it could get stressful for her at the moment, her daughter would understand that her mother means what she says, and that if she violates the boundary, she has to face the consequence.

The bottom line is if the child encounters say five to ten instances of following through of consequences by a parent at a very young age, they are very likely to connect the dots and understand as they grow up that if my parent sets a boundary, they mean it. The child then is likely to respect the boundaries set by the parent more consistently.

Appreciate your child generously whenever they respect the boundary

While it is important that you stay firm in following through the consequence of a boundary, it is equally important to appreciate your child whenever they respect the boundary. Be very generous in your praise, as if your child has won an Olympic medal! For instance, when Sudha sees that her two-year-old daughter goes near an electric socket but doesn’t touch it (because the child understands it’s unsafe), she can clap heartily for her little one. Or when Shreya finds her teenage daughter return from a friend’s house exactly at 10 pm, she can say, “I know you were having lot of fun with your friends and I am so glad to see that you still came back by 10 even though your friends may be hanging around till midnight,” and can go on to add, “I am honoured that you chose to respect the boundary we discussed and set, and I am happy to see that you value your safety and security.”

When setting a boundary, maintain a calm, respectful and unemotional tone

When setting boundaries, your emotional state can affect your child’s emotional state. So set a boundary in a calm, respectful and unemotional tone. Do not sound emotionally charged. When you are setting the boundary for a very young child, physically lower yourself to the child’s height and to their eye level when talking to them, as an act of respect. Remember, boundaries are effective only if your child is able to listen to you and understand the boundary. If they can’t listen to you or can’t understand you, they will not be able to implement what you want them to. For this reason, in case you don’t have the capacity to be calm, it’s a good idea to take a break, give yourself self-care and then come back to address the situation. If you are feeling angry, you may want to get the anger out of your system because you would want your child to grow closer to you and not away from you. Essentially, you can take your time and address the situation when you are ready, unless of course your child is in physical danger or is hurting another child.

So these are some important steps that can help you set healthy boundaries for your child so that both you and your child can thrive. In addition to these, there are a few supplementary tips that you can bear in mind and follow while setting boundaries. We will explore these in the next blog.

To read part 1 of this series on boundaries, click here.

(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)

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