Vihaan’s mother thinks that her son is extremely naughty and very difficult to handle. She holds this belief about her child deep inside her heart and very often, receives similar feedback about her son from everyone around. From teachers to grandparents to sometimes even strangers, she hears the same labels about Vihaan. Kimaya’s father believes deeply that his daughter is amazing, is worthy of respect and love, and feels that he is blessed to have her in his life. When he talks to his daughter’s teachers, her friends’ parents and her grandparents, he finds that they also share similar feedback about her, and how it’s a pleasure to have her around.
When we study these two examples closely, it doesn’t take long to realise that the space that you hold for your child is the space that the world holds for your child.
What does holding space for your child mean? It refers to the nourishing heart space you give your child that encourages their overall growth. You do that by being present, treating the child with care, consideration, compassion and love.
Having said that, let’s understand why the feedback that the world gives about your child closely linked to the space you hold for your child. This largely happens because as the primary caregiver, you have a lot of influence on your child. What you think about your child deep within you is what you tend to communicate consciously or unconsciously to your child and the world around you. You may not even be labelling them or their behaviour in specific terms, yet you would be giving out energy or vibe that would get picked up by the child as well as those around you. For instance, if you strongly believe that your child is difficult, you may be communicating that to your child who would perhaps be picking that up and modelling their behaviour based on that energy. The feedback that you receive about your child will be based on this very behaviour. Similarly, if you think that your child is amazing, that’s the positive vibe that they are likely to receive, and hence they may behave in a way that everyone around you finds amazing.
Shifting the Paradigm
This understanding about the connection between your child’s behaviour and the space that you hold for your child is very important. That’s because this insight can literally help you turn your child around. Let’s see how.
Suppose your child is refusing to drink milk or is not willing to finish homework, you can address the behaviour directly through simple parenting tools. However, if as a caregiver, you wish to transform your child from say, being difficult, to being cooperative and calm, what you are aiming for is a big change, which involves actually shifting the paradigm the child lives in. This means that as a primary caregiver, you effect a fundamental change in your underlying assumptions about your child. And, bringing about a paradigm shift in your child and transforming them is possible only if you are holding a positive space for your child. Moreover, how much of a transformation you can bring about depends on how much space you are holding for the child.
How Does One Go About It?
So how does one go about altering the paradigm of their child? Here are a series of steps that you can follow to achieve this objective.
Step 1: Start with the commitment that you are going to hold a positive space for the child. The
moment you decide that you are going to transform your child, you commit to coming from a place of connection. You have to believe deep in your heart that you are going to have a positive label for your child irrespective of what the world thinks about them, and you need to stay committed to holding that positive space in your heart for your child no matter how long the transformation is going to take.
Let me share a personal example. I know a child, let’s call him Revaan, who had a habit of snatching things from others. Now this child was constantly labelled by those around him as naughty, mischievous and so on. I decided that I would not call Revaan naughty and mischievous. Deep within my heart, I committed to believing that the child is cooperative. That is the space I held for him from that instant.
Step 2: Understand the child’s need. Try to find out the need that underlies a child’s behaviour. What drives a child to behave in a certain way? Put yourself in the child’s shoes and see the world from their eyes. This can help you understand your child’s need better.
In Revaan’s case, I began paying attention to him carefully and tried decoding his behaviour. I discovered that any time Revaan wanted the attention of another person, he would snatch a toy or something from them. So I figured out that the child’s need was not to snatch or disrupt something but that he wanted to play. Since his communication wasn’t that well developed that time, I realised that snatching toys was his way of inviting someone to play with him.
Step 3: Give a positive alternative to their current behaviour. Once you have committed yourself to give a positive space for your child, understood their need, the next step is to communicate with the child. Give them an alternative to how they are behaving currently, something that would actually work for the child. Alternatively, the child could suggest a strategy too.
So when I understood Revaan’s need, I told him, “Hey, Revaan, I can see that any time you want to invite someone to play with you, you are snatching their toy. But when you do that, the other person is actually not liking it and they do not want to play with you. So this is not working for you. Why don’t you try to just tap their shoulder and ask if you two can play and see if that helps?”
While you go through these steps with your child, it’s important to note that the change we are talking about here cannot be accomplished in a matter of minutes or hours. The transformation will be gradual. It could take multiple polite reminders about the agreed alternative from your side before the child starts embracing the new behaviour. Further, the child would be receptive to your strategy only if they trust that you are on their side. If for some reason they think you are being manipulative, you may not see the paradigm shift you are trying to achieve with the child.
As we can see, a primary caregiver has a lot of power to shape the world of their child. Holding a positive, kind space for your child can be simple, but it has a powerful effect on not just the child but also how the world around the child is created and how the world perceives the child.
To quote Brooke Hampton, “Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.”
The Hindi film, Taare Zameen Par is, I believe, a wonderful example of what I am trying to convey here. The movie beautifully explores the relationship between an art teacher (Ram Shankar Nikumbh played by Aamir Khan) and an eight-year-old dyslexic child (Ishaan Awasthi played by Darsheel Safary). The moment Nikumbh enters Ishaan’s class for the first time, he observes the child carefully and understands that the child is gifted. Nikumbh holds a positive space for Ishaan right from the moment he meets Ishaan. The shift in the child begins to happen gradually, not because Nikumbh trains the child to be different, but because he has observed Ishaan, and sees a lot of value in the child. While Nikumbh does take several measures to turn the child around, what brings about the actual transformation is the positive space that Nikumbh holds for Ishaan in the film.
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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