In our day-to-day lives as parents or caregivers, we witness our children go through several challenges. We may see them struggling to tie their shoelaces, finding it tough to choose an elective subject in school or facing the arduous task of deciding which colleges they would like to apply to, to name a few. They may face several other circumstances like these. Now, how do we raise resilient children who can handle challenging situations in their lives and can take decisions in the face of adversities?
As parents, how can we build this emotional resilience in them?
One of the key ways by which we can build resilience in our children is by letting them face their problems on their own.
Usually, when our children face challenges or grapple with problems, our instinct pushes us to fix their problem instantly. When they go through hardships, it often hurts us to watch them struggle, and therefore, we may jump in and try to solve their problem immediately. When we fix our children’s problems for them, we do so with the belief that we are helping them. On the contrary though, we may be taking away a valuable growth opportunity for the child to learn from their hardships.
This is because when you let your child solve their own problems, they learn from the situation they are in and over a period of time, these learning opportunities help build their resilience.
So, most of the times, it’s good to let a child address their hardships by themselves.
Having said that, there’s something you can offer them from your side: your empathy and presence.
Here’s a simple example. Let’s say your child is trying to learn to tie a shoelace. As the child fumbles and stumbles to tie the perfect knot, it’s quite natural that as a parent you are itching to rush to them and tie the laces up yourself. However, what you can do is sit next to them as they try to tie the lace and say empathetically, “I can see that this is challenging for you,” and just be there.
Children have a tendency to learn a new skill by trying repeatedly and eventually getting it right and your supportive presence itself can be a big boost for them to try continuously and succeed.As a caregiver, we can offer them a few tips and tricks, but it’s a good idea to let the child learn their skills on their own.
As a parent, you may also encounter situations in which your child is undergoing an emotional struggle. For example, suppose your little one likes a group of girls in her school and enjoys hanging out with them. However, it so happens that they are all having a ‘pyjama party’ and they don’t invite her for it. So when she comes to you with this ‘problem’ that she badly wants to go for that party but they aren’t calling her over, you could address it in two ways: one, you could talk to her friends’ moms and ensure that she is invited. Now, this is you fixing the problem for your child. The second way is to empathise with her and be present for her, and tell her, “I understand that it can be disappointing when you like a group of girls and then exclude you and don’t invite you over for their party…”
When you take the approach of offering an empathetic presence, the child is likely to feel heard and understood, and this can help strengthen their emotional resilience, and eventually help them find a way out of their problem. In this case, she may go back to school the next day and speak to the group of girls and tell them, “Hey, I really want to join your pyjama party. Will you invite me?” or she may choose to decide that since they didn’t invite her for the party, it’s perhaps not the right group for her. Either ways, she has found a solution herself rather than you finding it for her!
Occasionally, a traumatic experience from your childhood could be a reason why you may be rushing to fix your child’s problem. Let’s understand this through an example. When Kavitha was a child, she performed for a dance show during which she tripped and fell. Unfortunately, she was mocked at for it for several weeks. Years later, Kavitha, now a mother, carries that childhood trauma within her. So one day, let’s say her daughter falls during a performance and comes home crying; Kavitha’s instinct to fix her daughter’s problem is likely to be quite intense because of her past experience. But, rather than ending up over empathising with her child (when even the child may have decided to move on), Kavitha can choose to offer her presence to her child and just acknowledge what her daughter is going through. She can say, “You fell on the stage while you were dancing. I understand the pain you must be going through.” Optionally, she can go on to add that she could relate to her daughter’s feelings as it happened to her as well when she was a child. This kind of support can help her daughter feel connected with her mother and give her the emotional strength to face the situation and eventually find a solution to overcome the problem, if at all.
These are just some examples but there could be several other challenging situations a child may run into: like becoming upset over not winning a match or a competition, or not performing well in an exam; feeling bad that a close friend isn’t talking anymore or because they have been left out of a group, feeling worked up that there are too many things to juggle on a daily basis and so on.
Whatever the situation, as caregivers and parents, when we are present for our child and empathise with them while they face a challenging situation, the child usually comes up with a solution to their problem on their own.
When they solve their problems themselves, it builds emotional resilience in them.
When they grow more emotionally resilient, they in turn become better equipped to find solutions.
And remember, you can always lend an ear if they wish to discuss ideas on how to solve their problems. You can also offer your feedback if they ask for your inputs.
Repeatedly observing your child solving their own problems and building resilience could be a huge opportunity to build resilience in you too, as an adult.This is because children are great at showing you how differently a problem can be handled. Further, they can show you how to move on quickly from situations, because as adults we tend to hang on to situations much longer than needed.
So the next time you see your child facing a problem, let your child take on the challenge and find a solution on their own instead of you fixing it for them. For all you know, you may be in for a pleasant surprise about your child’s problem-solving skills and the resilience they build because you have given them an excellent opportunity for personal growth by leaving the ball in their court! And when you get to develop your own resilience too in the process by observing them, well, that’s the icing on the cake!
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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