Have you called your child- “A good child” or “A bad child” ?
Well, I was labelled a ‘Good girl’ as a child, for multiple reasons, like when I would study on my own, get good marks, iron my own clothes, sleep by myself, be courteous to guests, paint well, have good handwriting, etc.
Everyone around me thought I was very good and I received many compliments such as “Oh nice!”, “So sweet”, “Amazing”, “Good job!”, “You’re such a good girl.” Slowly, I started doing things just to please others and make them happy. For instance, I would be nice to my friends and teachers even if that got me tired.
I carried this label with a lot of pride until I realised how this label of ‘Good Girl’ had weighed me down. It was giving me a lot of pressure to keep on being the good girl.
My interpretation of ‘Good Girl’ had been, ‘when I am good, people love me’ or ‘people love me because I am good’.
“Good job”, “Good girl” or “Good boy” are used so often by us, as parents, for our child, that it may become like a stamp of approval for our child.
It is possible that the child could misinterpret the praise or any other comment that they receive. It is possible that the child could feel pressured to ‘meet the expectation of whatever the compliment or praise implies.’
Comments such as “Bad job” or “Bad child” are also used by us which become labels for the child.
Let’s look at some examples of labelling and how it gets misinterpreted by the child. This interpretation by your child could, in turn, add pressure for your child.
Sid makes a painting and shows it to his father. His father says, “Good boy!”. Sid could interpret it as ‘My father approves of me and my painting’. Sid could feel pressured to paint well so that he receives praises and approval from his father.
Priya scores a goal in her football match and her team wins. Her mother says, “Well done, Priya.” Again, Priya could interpret this compliment as ‘My mother approves of me and my game’. This could add performance pressure in her football matches.
Sia comes back home from school with black marks on her white school shoes. Her father instantly reacts by saying, “Sia, You’re a bad girl.” Sia could interpret this as ‘I am a bad girl because I play a lot.’
Rohit gets a remark in his school as he forgot to carry his science books to class. When he shows his remark to his mother and takes her signature, his mother says, “What is this, Rohit? How can you forget your books? You’re a bad boy.” Rohit could interpret this as ‘I am a bad boy’ or ‘forgetting is bad.’
Comments such as “You’re a bad boy / bad girl !” could be misinterpreted by the child, internalised by them and they could end up believing that they themselves are bad.
Comments such as “You’re smart,” “Good girl/boy” or “good job” are labels which children could feel pressured to live up to.
Praises or comments could be replaced with genuine and specific feedback to avoid misinterpretation.
Parents can build the ability to give authentic and specific feedback (what is it that you liked or didn’t like) about the child’s behaviour, actions and specific skills instead of talking about their own feelings or judgements about the child.
By doing this, inevitably two things happen:
1. It reduces the possibility for the feedback to be misinterpreted.
2. It releases the unintended pressure on the kids to meet those expectations implied by the compliments or comments.
Sid’s father instead of saying “Good boy” could say, “I like that you have used 4 colours and filled the colours within the lines”. This is a specific, direct and genuine feedback for Sid. He learns about his own skill from his father. He also believes that his father was attentive to the details about his painting.
Priya certainly did well in her football game. However, by receiving a praise such as “Well done”, Priya may not understand what was done well in her game. Priya’s mother could acknowledge Priya by saying, “I saw your game and I really think you passed the ball well in time.” This gives a specific and clear insight to Priya about her football skills.
Sia’s father instead of saying “Bad girl” could say “Your white shoes have got black marks and your school requires you to wear clean shoes”. This is a specific feedback for Sia instead of her assuming that she is a ‘bad girl’ or that ‘playing is bad’
Rohit had forgotten his science books, however, his mother could give a specific feedback by saying, “Rohit, you forgot your books for the second time and studying without your books may be tough.” A response like this reduces the possibility of misinterpretation by Rohit that he is a bad boy or that forgetting is bad.
Comments like “Bad child” or “Bad job” or similar evaluative comments reduce the child’s self esteem.
Alfie Kohn in his book, “Punished by rewards” writes that “Praise can become a verbal bribe that gets kids hooked on our approval.” The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. Praises like “Good child”, “Good job” or “Well done” could make the child depend on someone else to evaluate what they have done. They don’t need praises to thrive.
Instead let’s give them a genuine, authentic and specific feedback about what they have done or not done.
When we focus our response about behaviour, actions and specific skills, than towards our own feeling or judgement about our child, we support a sense of competence and this builds our child’s self esteem.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geeta B Bhansali
Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.
Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.
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