Srishti, a toddler, is at a playdate and is amazingly well-behaved at her friend’s place. But when her father picks her up from the playdate after two hours, she starts kicking her legs and refuses to go back home with him.
Rishi, a teenager, has just returned from a week-long, super fun field trip. His mother has picked him up from the airport and is waiting to hear all about the trip from him. He, however, is extremely quiet and lost in thought, not speaking a word to her throughout the car journey back home. Upon reaching home, instead of talking to his mother, he chooses to sit down with a book.
The ‘Transition’ behaviour
Srishti’s father and Rishi’s mother are perplexed. They wonder why their children are acting cranky, and more importantly, why only in front of them, when they had been behaving perfectly fine in another environment.
Let us try to understand the context for Srishti’s and Rishi’s behaviour. Looking closely, we can see that both Srishti and Rishi are going through a phase of transition. Transition primarily refers to instances where a child has gone out of your physical space (your home) into another space (like a friend’s place, school, football class or a field trip) and is getting back to the space where they originally belong (home). Transition could also refer to the early phase when a child moves from one age band to another, say like a toddler growing into a five-year-old, or a twelve-year-old entering teens. Typically, when a child transitions from one place to another, or is growing from one age group into another, they are unsure of how to handle the shift and tend to become cranky.
Does this sound familiar to you? Is this crankiness something you have encountered with your child often? Does it make you wonder, ‘why does he or she misbehave only in front of me?’ Well, here’s something that could come as a surprise for you: The behaviour that your child displays specifically with you during a period of transition could actually be a compliment for you!
A compliment? But how?
As much as your child’s behaviour could be getting on your nerves, it is important to realise that they are complimenting you in certain ways:
1. They are communicating to you that with you I am safe and I can be who I am. Whenever a child moves out of home into a different environment, they inherently understand that their behaviour in these places ought to follow a particular protocol. They know that they should behave in line with some rules and regulations (not always set by someone) specific to that space. So, once they return home from other environments where their conduct is governed by expectations such as discipline or generally, good behaviour, they are relieved that they can finally let their guard down in front of you. This happens because they believe they can be themselves with you and feel totally safe to express themselves in your presence.
2. They are telling you that I trust you and therefore I am showing you my true self. In authentically and openly expressing their emotions to you and releasing their pent-up feelings, the child is sending you the message that they trust you. They reveal the emotions they experience when they are in a vulnerable state of mind to you because they trust you.
3. They believe that you love them no matter what and they belong with you. This is perhaps the most important compliment they could give you – that no matter how annoying their behaviour is at the moment, it will have no bearing on your love for them in the long run and it doesn’t change the fact that they belong with you.
In fact, it is a worrying sign if your child continues to be too obedient in front of you. Too much obedience could be an indication that the child doesn’t feel safe enough to express themselves holistically when you are around. It could also mean that they believe they have to act in a certain way to get your love and to belong with you.
Why is the ‘compliment’ perspective important?
Knowing that a child’s crankiness specifically in the presence of a parent is actually a compliment for the parent helps you to stop worrying that your child might turn out ill- behaved in the future. Instead, it allows you to be fully present with them in the current moment and understand that they are just flushing out their emotions. It makes you realise that the child knows they can do that only with you and that they can take that liberty with you. This awareness really helps you in addressing the misbehaviour and taking the right course of action. This is because, in the absence of such an understanding, you will continue to view your child’s behaviour as crankiness, and instead of responding proactively to mend the situation, you might end up acting cranky yourself. Further, the compliment perspective makes you more empathetic and calm, thereby helping you forge a deeper connection with your child.
Addressing the crankiness
While your child's crankiness may be a compliment for you, we cannot deny the fact that it has to be addressed. How does a parent go about it? There are four steps to handle such a situation.
Step1: Acknowledge your child’s feelings.
Let your child know that as a parent, you completely understand what they are going through when they are transitioning from one space to another. For instance, in the toddler Srishti’s case, when she is upset about leaving the playdate and starts kicking her legs to protest against her father who is picking her up, he could just tell her, “Srishti, I understand that you have lot of energy still left in you to play and you are feeling sad that the playdate has ended.” With Rishi, the teen, his mother could tell him, “Rishi, I know you had a great time at the field trip, but it also meant that you had a lot of socialising to do. I understand you would like some downtime. I respect that.” This is acknowledgment.
Step 2: State your expectation(s).
Once you have acknowledged your child’s feelings, tell them what you expect them to do. Srishti’s father could tell her that her kicking is hurting him physically. He could give her an alternative saying that she could use a fluffy pillow to kick and release her pent-up energy and once she has released all her energy, they could play a game of tic-tac-toe. By doing so, Srishti’s father is clearly stating his expectation. Rishi’s mother could tell him that she hadn’t seen him for a week and that she would love to know more about the trip from him. She could offer him a suggestion like this, saying, “Rishi, I am going to bake your favourite lasagne for dinner. I would love it if we can talk about your field trip over dinner tonight.” By doing so, Rishi’s mother can clearly convey her expectation to her son.
Step 3: Give the child the space and time to process your acknowledgement and expectation(s).
A child needs the time and space to process what the parent has acknowledged and the expectation(s) they have stated. Srishti’s father could leave her to herself and go sit in a sofa that’s not too far from her. He could wait for her to settle down emotionally, process his expectation and be available for her when she is ready for a game of tic-tac-toe with him. Rishi’s mother could leave him alone and get going with the preparatory work for baking his favourite lasagne, giving him the space to mull over the expectation she has conveyed to him.
Step 4: Be there for your child.
This means you are hanging around in the same physical zone as the child, and being available for them as soon as they are ready to communicate with you. Like how Srishti’s father waits for her in the sofa to play tic-tac-toe when she is ready and Rishi’s mother who conveys that she is present for him and is happy to connect with him about the trip over dinner.
When you walk your child over through these four steps, they are very likely to open up and listen to you at the end of it. In fact, more often than not, a child would actually start opening up and sharing, the moment they receive an acknowledgement of their feelings from the parent.
So the next time you encounter the ‘transition’ behaviour with your child, take a moment to understand that it is actually a compliment for you. When you do that, you are in a better frame of mind to grasp what they are going through and you are more connected with your child, making it a much smoother process for both of you to address what is going on at that moment. After all, what could be a better way to reward a child’s compliment to you than being an understanding and well-connected parent and showing them the right path?
(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)
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